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First we captured his Kaunda suit, then our men and officers
impounded his guitar, jerry cans, saucepans and underwear. This time, with his
solar panels in the hands of our gallant offices, we can start digging Kony’s
grave.
You must have heard the great news. In a furious contest
with the Lord’s Resistance Army rebels this week, our army dealt the merchants
of evil a devastating blow. Our gallant men and officers made a significant
gain: they captured solar panels belonging to LRA rebel leader Joseph Kony.
Some of you might not know how critical this gain is but let
me explain. In the jungles of the Democratic Republic of Congo, solar panels
are such an important military tool. As you might know, most of DR Congo has no
electricity despite having one of the biggest hydro-power dams. This means the
load-shedding that Kampala people cry about when it happens once in a fortnight
is something Kony has come to live with most of his rebel life.

In the absence of electricity, these solar panels were the
only source of power for Kony and group. It was from the power produced by
these solar panels that Kony and his commanders were able to recharge their
satellite phones, which would help them keep in touch as they eluded fire from
our UPDF boys. Also, these solar panels would offer light in the deep of the
night as Kony escaped possible arrest and the snares built for him. It was this
light that would help him check the skies and see our helicopters approaching,
before ducking just minutes before we struck his base.
Now, all this is gone. Kony is a man in darkness. He cannot
charge his satellite phone. His commanders equally are stuck with battery-less
phones. Kony can’t issue directives and commands to his men on the frontline. He
can’t see our helicopters approaching in the dead of the night. He is a
cornered man.
And just to remind you, this is not our only significant
catch in this war against these men who wreak havoc against our innocent
civilians. Our military has in the past hit at the heart of Kony’s resistance.
A few years ago, our men of valour attacked Kony’s base, missing him just by
minutes. The rebel leader was in a make-shift bathroom when he was alerted. He
took off naked, leaving his Kaunda suit and bathing sponge, which we quickly
captured. Today, these are some of the exhibits we keep as we await to present
him before the International Criminal Court to faces charges of genocide and
crimes against humanity.
Having dispossessed the lunatic of his adored Kaunda suit,
we did not give up. In another raid in Garamba, he survived our UPDF gunships
just by seconds. As our men turned the nozzles in his direction, the chap
sprinted in a manner that would shame Usain Bolt and make Stephen Kiprotich
look like a snail. But we were not without victory. Kony might have escaped but
we managed to capture key ingredients of his struggle. Our men and officers
impounded Kony’s guitar, jerrycans, saucepans and underwear.
One can therefore picture what state Kony is in now. He is a
man without light. He has been plunged into darkness. He can’t see where he is
headed. As if that is not enough, he no longer has the guitar to serenade him
during his stressful moments. You remember King Saul in the Bible and how music
helped calm him? 
Kony does not have that luxury. In brief, he is now a stressed
and probably demented man.
But what is more important is his physical state. We have
his underwear and suit in our custody. Kony is a nude man. How will he survive
the chilling conditions in the jungles without clothing? How will he survive
the cold of Virunga and such forests if his source of warmth and heat—the solar
panels—are no more?
The fact that we also made off with his jerrycans and
saucepans means he must be having trouble preparing meals and porridge for his
men. The beauty in this dilemma is that Kony must have now resorted to eating
raw antelopes and baboons. He can’t boil them. And don’t we all know that these
apes in the Congo are the harbours of Ebola and related viruses? It is a sure
deal now that if our bullets do not make Kony history, then Ebola or some such
calamity will sort him out.
The struggle against forces of darkness is always protracted
and painful. There is, however, no doubt that by capturing Kony’s solar panels,
our army has made another significant stride in this struggle. A man with no
bathing sponge, no underwear, no Kaunda suit, no guitar, no jerrycans, no
saucepans—is not a man. He is a marked target and will soon be dealt with.
Kony’s days are indeed numbered.
Source: Daily Monitor

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