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Ours being a nation of serial philanderers and acclaimed
drunkards, it is gravely unfortunate that we allowed our animosity towards
Golola Moses, blind us from what surely is our only salvation from eternal
damnation.
Starting last month, humans can now lie, cheat, steal, kill,
fornicate, covet neighbours’ stuff and sin in other creative ways if they so
wish, without the prospect of fire and brimstone hanging over their heads. This
is surely fantastic news for every Ugandan.
To put it in a simpler way, the only price you will pay for
chopping your ex girlfriend into tiny pieces with a machete is a long stay in
Luzira Prison, and considering that the DPP’S office is the embodiment of the
word incompetence, that might not even come to pass.

You might be wondering why it is now possible to butcher
your ex girlfriend and not go to hell, I have got two words for you, the
Higgs-boson particle. On July 2, this year, scientists at CERN announced the
discovery of this Higgs thing. How did they do it? They spent $10b to build a
large Hadron Collider and then used it to recreate the big bang— the explosion
by which the earth came into being.
The discovery of this particle has far reaching
implications. Firstly, it proves that God was the figment of someone’s
imagination, like Musoke, the god of rain in Buganda.
Secondly, it explains why Straka is overweight, a serious
condition that puts her at risk of suffering from essential hypertension,
ischaemic heart disease and diabetes mellitus, conditions that invariably lead
to an early grave.
Thirdly, if one dies suddenly, say they had a heart attack
before they had the time to accept Jesus of Nazareth as their personal saviour,
relatives and friends won’t have to worry themselves sick that their beloved
one has not entered the kingdom of heaven, because there is no such thing .
With the discovery of this particle, there is a 99.999 per cent chance that
heaven does not exist.
The discovery of this particle also solves the mystery as to
why Uganda still remains under developed in spite of the numerous prayer
breakfasts our leader has presided over. As it turns out, the president’s
prayers were not being listened to, mainly because there was no one to listen
to them, and maybe answer them.
The existence of this particle also confirms my long held
suspicions that the First Lady was either lying or hallucinating, when she
claimed that God had instructed her to run for parliament. I know she is
certain she had a clear and deep voice talking to her, but if there is a chance
that God does not exist whose voice was that? The president has been called
many things, a pan African, a visionary, the messiah, but never a ventriloquist.
The Higgs-boson particle also puts paid to some career
aspirations, suicide bombing for example. The discovery of this particle means
that religious extremists will find it difficult to convince people to blow
themselves up, since there is a 99.999 per cent chance that their reward of 72
virgins is just a myth. I suspect Osama already knows this. And if you are
still clinging to the 0.001 per cent chance, God will reward you.
Article by Nelson Muhangunzi as appeared on  Daily Monitor

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